A long LGBT question for bored people?

Will I ever belong anywhere?

The truth is that I’ve been home rehabbing for the last few weeks and have had a lot of time to spend here on Y/A reflecting and agravating others. At this point in my life I accept myself. I know that I’m both bisexual, and a woman born in the wrong body. Depending on who you talk to and what year you are talking in that can be called by different words or definitions. Without the availability of accurate information I thought I was all of them at one time of another.

The combination of gender orientations and sexual orientations without any help or resources such as the internet left me bouncing all around in realizing who I was and how each applied to me. It was very confusing for many, many years. As a result I always felt like the missing link. I identified with everyone and no one.

I have never really belonged anywhere despite being many things. Most recently I had tried to join the air breathing challenged, but it appears they didn’t want me. In my life time I played sports, lettered in track and football in high school, a soldier, tunnel rat, sniper, pilot, hunter, husband, father, small business owner, aircraft owner, etc. But they were never me being myself.

I always felt like I was inside a dome, a force field if you will, projecting the image seen by the world. It is held up by pure will power that as I have aged is requiring more and more energy to hold up and as a result is becoming smaller and developing cracks.

The decisions I have made over the years have affected the lives of others and I have the responsibility to honor them. Especially to my wife of 30 years, she knows a little about my condition (very little) and it was decided that I could be as kinky as I wanted but she didn’t want to know about it. And with a couple of exceptions has always been that way. If I were to transition it would be detrimental to her well being and I could not do that. I actually did consider it a little while ago but she just couldn’t handle it.

Well at least I can be myself and be accepted here in LGBT land right? I mean I’m Bi, and Transgender. (I’m A Bi Non Transitioning, Transgender, Transexual). Then I read that many Gays don’t accept Bi? That Gays don’t believe transgender to be part of the group? That many Transexual’s feel they are in a different group than Transgender? Is this true?

Because now I feel more like an outsider here than I do with the outside world. At least there I knew where I stood.

3 Responses to “A long LGBT question for bored people?”

  1. Luca™ Says:

    You’re story’s really interesting, thanks for sharing =]

    I know exactly what you mean about Bs and Ts not being accepted and I think it’s terrible. A lot of gay people find it hard to believe that someone can be attracted to two genders, because when you’re only attracted to one it’s hard to imagine what it’s like to be attracted to two. Also, it’s recently become "cool" to be bisexual, leading to a lot of kids faking it and a lot of anger at bisexuals in general. And then there’s the myth that all bisexuals are just closet gays who see being bi as being halfway out the closet.

    As for the Ts, a lot of people think that they don’t belong under the LGB umbrella because gender orientation is completely different from sexuality, and putting Ts etc in the same category as LGBs makes some uneducated straight people think that all gays are crossdressers etc.

    Personally, I believe that we have a rainbow for our symbol for a reason. It symbolises that everyone is equal and should be treated the same, and I think we should welcome everyone (gay, bi, straight, trans, whatever) into our communities and friendship groups. The whole gay rights movement is about being accepting, and I think it’s really hypocritical that we’re treating members of our own community in the same way that we are protesting about others treating us.

  2. Dana B Says:

    i’ve been there…..contact me if you want.

    for me, i had to be me. not necessarily transition. i decided that i was going to be me, and then figure out the whole male/female thing. getting rid of my testoserone engines and getting on estrogen was the best thing i ever did. testosterone was driving me crazy.

  3. edward Says:

    Always going to be some people who are never happy with change. everyone comes into this life complaining about the changes and some never stop. Stop thinking about everybody else and enjoy being alive. You did your job time to live.